A Hard Game To Play
by Amy11
Summary: A few years into the future, Buffy visits Xander and some revelations occur. (For the record, this isn't a B/X fic, at least not in the romantic sense.)
1. Default Chapter

Summary: Set a while in the future, Buffy goes to visit Xander and some   
revelations occur. I can't say more, because I'm hoping it'll be a surprise   
Spoilers: Through the fourth season.  
Disclaimer: Joss made the characters. I'm pretty sure he did it to see how   
many times he could break my heart in a single season.  
Rating: PG13  
Feedback: Please, oh please!   
Thanks to Tracy, beta goddess Extraordinare.  
Author's Note: This is not a B/X fic, *nor* is it a W/X fic. You'll have to   
read to see what I mean.   
* * * * *  
  
  
The door unlocked, and Buffy opened it, stepping inside. She let it fall   
closed behind her as she set forth to see Xander.  
  
When she reached his room, she paused outside of the open door. He looked   
good. Better than good. He was older, thinner, but just as handsome as he   
always had been. His hair wasn't as thick as it always had been before, but   
his skin was still smooth, without any signs of aging. He wore white   
drawstring pants and a white T-shirt, and he sat quietly, drawing something   
in charcoal on a large pad of paper.  
  
She cleared her throat, and he looked up.   
  
Xander stared at her for a moment, taking in her sad smile and her long,   
braided hair. Her stomach was slightly swollen, but she looked at peace.   
Buffy watched him, waiting for some sign that he recognized her.   
  
He finally smiled, his eyes lit with the dark fire of remembered friendship.   
He stood from his bed and walked over to her, stopping just before he pulled   
her into a hug. Holding her at arms length, he nodded towards her belly.   
"Is it okay?"  
  
Buffy laughed. "It won't be if you don't hug me."  
  
Xander grinned, scooping her tightly in his arms, but trying to avoid   
crushing her. She hugged him back just as tightly, tears filling her eyes,   
her hands cradling his head.  
  
After a long moment, he pulled away, leading her over to the bed. "Sit! I   
can't have... someone who's in your condition being... well, on their feet."  
  
"Why?" Buffy asked teasingly.  
  
"Because if your water breaks, my floor is going to get sopping wet," he   
retorted.  
  
Buffy laughed, lightly slapping his arm. "I'm only six months along, you   
dork. And you want your bed getting wet, anyway?"  
  
"It wouldn't be anything new," he grinned.  
  
Buffy wrinkled her nose at the image that implied, and then sank down onto   
the mattress gratefully. In truth, she was tired from the long drive. Tired   
and hot. But it was worth it, to see Xander's smile again. After so long.   
Too long...  
  
"So what brings you here?" he asked. "And how did you get in? We have   
pretty good security in this apartment, and they probably didn't recognize   
you. Besides that, the door was locked. It always is. Gotta keep the evil   
out, you know?"  
  
Buffy blinked. "Well, I... talked to them for a while, and explained that I   
was an old friend. I told them I knew your middle name, and since we all   
know how much you keep that under wraps, they believed me. They even paid to   
find out what it was."  
  
Xander rolled his eyes. "You told them?"  
  
"Danger."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I told them it was Danger," she giggled, her eyes sparkling.   
  
Xander heaved a mock sigh of relief. "Well, now that that's out of the way,   
you still haven't mentioned why you're here."  
  
Buffy looked at him incredulously. "That's the only thing you're curious   
about?" When he didn't answer, she exhaled. "Well, I just wanted to see   
you. It's going to be ten years next weekend since we last saw each other,   
and since we used to be so close, I wanted to come by. Giles wanted to come,   
too, but his wife is *way* more pregnant than I am."  
  
Xander's beautiful eyebrows arched. "Really? Giles knocked someone up?"  
  
Buffy smirked. "Yes. They've been married for two years now. She's a   
professor at SU. She's really great... I see why he fell for her. It's   
funny," she said thoughtfully. "Giles, as stuffy as he is, always fell in   
love with the women who could bring out the most life in him. Jenny. That   
woman Sarah he was seeing for a while. Even my mother. Then Julia, and that   
was it."  
  
Xander leaned forward for another hug. He kissed the top of her hair and   
then pulled away, resting his hand on her stomach. Buffy smiled. "And   
this... Angel's?" he guessed.  
  
Buffy looked down and gave a weak laugh. "Angel. ...Yes, he's Angel's."  
  
"He?"  
  
Buffy met his eyes, her smile coming back. "I had the sonogram done last   
week. Most definitely a him."  
  
"And how did you get past... well, you know. The curse. And the   
no-baby-for-vampires thing?" he pressed gently.  
  
"Well, we... um," Buffy stuttered, "We just did. That was a really hard   
time. Is it okay if we don't talk about it?"  
  
Xander nodded, looking regretful. "I'm sorry."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "No need. So, what are you drawing?" She peered to   
the sketch pad and smiled.  
  
Xander looked sheepish. "Us. All of us. Before we all graduated. I was   
thinking about that the other day," he explained. "Us graduating. The fight   
with the Mayor. All of it, all of our high school years."  
  
"You were thinking about the fight with the Mayor?" Buffy asked, picking at   
the bedspread.  
  
"Yeah, it's been so long!" He smiled. "Ten years, really, since all that   
went down. Angel leaving for LA. Even before that. My first kisses with   
Willow, Cordy getting stabbed through with that pole. Your years in college.   
Willow's and my wedding."   
  
He glanced at the clock as he said that. "She should have been home about an   
hour ago, actually. She'll be sad if she misses you. But she won't, right?   
I mean, I know she takes a while with the shopping... Christmas is a couple   
of months away, so she's been on this fanatical spree. And she's got the   
kids with her, so it'll be even longer. You know Willow."  
  
"Yeah," Buffy said faintly. "I know Willow. Kids?"  
  
"What, you all didn't get the notes? I mean, I would understand if Oz   
didn't, being so famous and all... And besides, him being in love with   
Willow, almost marrying her might put a strain on the relationship he would   
want with Willow and I. But I was sure that you and Giles got them," Xander   
said, concerned.  
  
"No," she answered softly. "But then, we'd probably already moved to   
different addresses. Maybe... Maybe Willow misplaced the new ones."  
  
Xander nodded. "That makes sense." He handed her the book. "Do you want   
some water?"  
  
"I'd love some," Buffy said automatically, opening the sketchbook to glance   
inside. Xander smiled and got up to fill a cup with water from the tap.  
  
"Sorry, but Arrowhead doesn't deliver here anymore," he explained   
regretfully. "But this doesn't taste like the average tap water, though. So   
don't worry."  
  
He handed the paper cup to her, and Buffy drank deeply from it. Her eyes   
were wide; she didn't seem to be listening to him anymore. She stared down   
at the pictures. "I didn't realize you were so good," she finally whispered.  
  
Xander shrugged modestly. "I was the fun geek in high school and while   
everyone was in college. I existed pretty much to make you guys laugh, which   
don't get me wrong, I loved doing. The fact that I could draw didn't seem to   
matter much. But it's how I make my living now."  
  
"It is?"  
  
"Yep." His eyes shined darkly at her. "Willow convinced me to do it, when   
she opened up her magic shop. It was really the only thing I was qualified   
to do, so I did. And painting people, even if it's rich, ugly people who are   
paying you to distort their faces into something attractive, seems to have   
made a nice life for all of us."  
  
Buffy's eyes wandered over the drawings. A few of her, in battle. Some of   
Angel, fighting the whole fleet of vampires at... graduation? The whole   
student body, tumbling down the steps in a vicious battle scene that was   
beautifully depicted on the paper. And lots of Willow. Some of her with   
long hair, some with her hair short. All of her looking sweet and innocent   
and perfectly Willow-y. There were even a few where Willow and Xander were   
kissing, though Buffy didn't know how Xander could have drawn himself. And   
some where they were all older. At a wedding.  
  
One of the pictures was Buffy, fluffing out Willow's veil and smiling at her   
best friend. And some of Willow walking down the aisle, some of Xander   
kissing her at the end of the ceremony. One of Angel and Buffy, holding   
hands. Cordelia smiling. Two where Cordelia was hugging Xander. One of Oz,   
who looked sad and pensive. One where he hugged Willow. Three of Giles, one   
where he was shaking Xander's hand, one where he was hugging Willow, and the   
last where he was simply standing next to his Slayer, in front of the buffet   
table.  
  
"The detail," Buffy murmured, her eyes moist with new tears. "The faces on   
the cake look like you and Willow."  
  
"Yeah, they were specially made, remember?"  
  
Buffy turned the page. The group at graduation. Just Willow, Xander, Buffy,   
Cordelia and Oz. All smiling and holding their diplomas, in front of a   
decimated school. They looked happy and full of life.   
  
She finally turned to the last drawing. They were young, younger than in any   
of the other pictures. It was of all of them, even Oz though he hadn't been   
a real part of the group yet then. They were sitting on the steps of the   
Library, Buffy in the middle, sitting on Angel's lap. Willow and Oz were on   
one side of them and Xander and Cordelia, holding each other around the   
waist, were on the other. Giles was in the back, on one of the steps,   
looking as though he was trying to be disinterested, but there was a faint   
smile around his mouth that told otherwise.   
  
"The picture," Buffy said.  
  
Xander's smile was tight. "Yeah. I don't like that one very much. Don't   
you think the one of us at graduation is better?"  
  
"No," she choked, "I like this one. Things were simple then. This was..."  
  
"Before Angel turned, yeah." Xander had an edge in his voice, but he smiled   
sympathetically. "It's the only one I've drawn before the night of... Well,   
the night of Acathla. I didn't mean to upset you."  
  
She hugged the pad to her chest. "It didn't... Not really. I think it's   
beautiful. Xander, the day we took that picture... One of the best times in   
my life. After that, everything was different. Xander?"  
  
He waited silently, and she looked up at him. Her eyes were pleading, but he   
didn't know what she was asking him for. Buffy didn't know either, but she   
knew that it was important, more important than it ever had been before. She   
just needed Xander to... She just needed him to...  
  
He stood up and took her cup, glancing at the clock again. "I'm really   
starting to worry about Willow," he muttered. "Are you still Slaying?"  
  
Buffy's silent question dissipated into the air. She smiled, and glanced   
down at herself. "As much as I can, which is still pretty decent. In a   
couple of more months, though, I won't be able to do anything but sit on my   
ass and wait for him to be born."  
  
"Much like me, when Willow was pregnant," Xander grinned.  
  
Buffy laughed quietly, and then stood. She picked up her purse. "I need to   
go. Get checked into the hotel, you know. And then I'm going to take a pass   
around the city for any unruly demon-y things. But I'll be back tomorrow,   
okay? Tell... Tell Willow that I'm at the Lodge if she wants to call."  
  
Xander stood, walking her to his door. He gave her a hug. "Will do. And,   
Buffy?"  
  
She had started walking away, but she stopped at his voice and turned.   
"Yeah?"  
  
"Thanks for coming. I'm glad you're here." He smiled again. "I'm sure   
Willow will be too."  
  
Buffy nodded, not wanting to leave, but realizing that it was getting late   
and she had to. She touched his hand, then squeezed it as she was walking   
down the hall, and felt his eyes on her until she turned the corner that led   
to the door. Xander watched her with a light in his eyes until she was out   
of sight, and then walked to the phone.  
  
He rang the doorman. "Yes, hello. That girl, who just came. Let her in   
anytime she shows up. She's a close friend of ours, from high school."  
  
The doorman sighed over the phone. "Whatever you say." 


	2. 

Buffy squared her shoulders, glancing in a mirror. She looked relatively   
young, still very healthy. And she looked ready to get down to business.   
After a moment, though, she deflated, and when she looked back in the mirror,   
all she saw was a pregnant, lost woman, on the verge of tears.  
  
"Remember what they told you," she murmured to herself, opening the door.   
"Remember what they warned you about."  
  
Rubbing her eyes, she breezed past the man at the counter. He looked up from   
his paper and nodded, seeing that it was the same girl who had come in   
yesterday, the woman who Mr. Harris had instructed to be let in. Shrugging,   
he turned back to his paper, and touched the button to unlock the door.  
  
Buffy stepped inside.  
  
She felt terrible. Not being able to sleep on her stomach anymore was   
finally getting on her nerves, and she had had nightmares all night long.   
About what to do, what choices to make. The last time she had tried to make   
a choice like this, of this weight, it had ended... She didn't want to think   
about that, she decided, knocking on Xander's bedroom door.  
  
It opened quickly. "Buffy!" he greeted, pleased.  
  
Buffy gave him a light hug, and he smiled at the scent of vanilla that seemed   
to follow her. Leading her over to the bed, he sat down. "Willow's not home   
right now," he said apologetically. "She *just* went out. We thought you'd   
be coming later on, in the afternoon."  
  
Buffy chewed on her lip. "And how is she? Are the kids with her?"  
  
Xander nodded in a fatherly way. "Yep. She was so happy to have you come   
by! And really, *really* disappointed that you weren't here when she got   
home."  
  
Buffy exhaled. "So what have you been doing?"  
  
"Oh!" he murmured brightly, "I've been drawing. I can't seem to get all of   
these memories that I have out of my head. Sort of plaguing me. But in the   
good way."  
  
Buffy sat down, folding one leg underneath her. "What are these pictures of?"  
  
"Same thing. Different stories though."   
  
He handed the sheaf of papers to her. Buffy's eyes drifted across the one on   
top. It was of Faith, fighting with Buffy on her roof. Buffy didn't know   
how Xander could have known what had happened, even down the the broken   
window they had stumbled through. There was a later one of Angel walking   
with her, in the sunlight. She smiled, her eyes misting over again. And one   
of Xander, dragging someone who looked dead down the street, holding onto his   
lapels while Xander drove.  
  
She pointed to it, and Xander laughed. "Well, I never really told you guys   
about this," he said, hushed, "But when we were in high school, the night the   
Hellmouth tried to break open again, I sort of went on a... rampage. I met   
up with some zombies, kicked some undead butt, and managed to keep the world   
from exploding."  
  
"It really helped me, you know?" he continued to explain. "After Cordy broke   
up with me because of my... indiscretions with Willow, it helped me gain some   
of my confidence back. It helped me do a lot of things, that night. Hey,   
how is Cordelia? She never comes to visit Willow and me."  
  
"I'm glad," Buffy murmured, throwing down the sketches. She stood, began   
pacing.  
  
"Buff, what's wrong? What's going on?" Xander asked worriedly. "Are you   
okay? Something with the baby?"  
  
"The doctors told me not to say anything," she muttered angrily. "Well, you   
know what? Screw them. They don't know you. They don't know anything about   
you, about who you really are. You want to know how Cordelia is?"  
  
Xander looked taken aback. "Yeah, sure."  
  
"She still cries for you sometimes. When I talk to her, which isn't often   
because she's started to get tired of crying so often, she tells me how much   
she misses you, how good you are, how sweet, and how this whole situation is   
wrong!" Buffy cried.  
  
Xander looked down at his hands. "Well, I'm sorry that my being married to   
Willow is hard for her, Buffy, but what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed   
to divorce the love of my life to make my ex-girlfriend happy?"  
  
Buffy whirled on him, marching over until she was inches from him. She took   
Xander's face in her hands, and forced him to meet her eyes. "Willow. Is.   
Dead," she said softly, evenly, willing herself not to cry.  
  
Xander shrugged off her touch. "That's not funny at all, Buffy. It's pretty   
sick."  
  
Angry tears formed in Buffy's eyes. "Stop it!" she yelled. "Willow has been   
dead for almost ten years now! Xander, you're not living in an apartment   
with great security. You're in an institution! They didn't want me to say   
anything, they said it would be too hard for you to accept, but what do they   
know?! They met you *after* you were like this. I knew you before. And I   
loved you before. You were one of my best friends. And then... When she   
died... You closed up. You got.... like this."  
  
Xander shook his head, putting his hands over his eyes. "I don't think you   
know what you're saying," he mumbled.  
  
"Yes I do," Buffy said tearfully. "She died. None of that stuff ever   
happened. The Hellmouth never tried to open again. There was no reason to   
fight the Mayor. You never kissed Willow and got caught by Cordelia! She   
died! She's dead, Xander."  
  
"No," he denied in a low voice. "No. You're wrong. She was just..."  
  
"Here? In this place with a bed and minimum security to make sure you don't   
get out?" Buffy knelt at his feet, sobbing brokenly. "She died the night   
Angel tried to bring forth Acathla. You have to remember. A bookcase was   
knocked on top of her and she died."  
  
Xander stood, shaking his head vehemently. "No. None of that happened. I   
kissed Willow the night of Homecoming. Cordelia almost got killed when she   
fell down the stairs. Oz and Willow slept together the night before   
graduation. We blew up the school. It happened. It did," he said shakily.  
  
"It didn't." Buffy followed him to the window, where he was looking out.   
"Nothing. We didn't go to college together. We couldn't, because Willow was   
dead. No one has heard from Oz since she died-- He's not a famous star. I   
don't know how you knew about Faith, about what she looked like and how she   
turned bad, but that was one thing that you were right about. There was no   
wedding. This baby isn't Angel's, though I would like it to be. Angel is in   
Hell. He was never cured, though Willow died trying. Cordelia still grieves   
for you, for losing you like this," she said wearily. "Willow is dead. She   
died that night. Everything that happened after... That was all nothing.   
Your imagination. Please, Xander!"  
  
"Buffy, I..." he fell silent, still staring out the window.  
  
"You what? You what?! Please, tell me anything! Tell me I shouldn't have   
told you," she pleaded, "And that I'm a selfish friend. Tell me that I'm not   
worth your time! But tell me something that we both know is true, not   
something that you think is true because you drew it in your notebook!"  
  
He stiffened, and remained quiet.  
  
"Xander..." Buffy whimpered, holding onto her stomach. "Do you know how much   
we all miss you? Even after so many years, you hang over our heads and no   
one can help thinking of you with a smile. I just wish... I just wish that   
the smile didn't always have to leave our faces too soon. Like you did to   
our lives."  
  
She watched him for a while, but he didn't turn to look at her, or even   
acknowledge her presence. With a heavy heart, she turned and began walking.   
Maybe it was better this way. Better that he never accepts it. Better that   
he doesn't want to know. Better that he lives in a fantasy world that filled   
all of their lives with more happiness than sorrow.  
  
"Giles sent me photos," Xander murmured.  
  
Buffy spun around, but didn't speak.  
  
"And letters. For a while, I read them. That's how I saw Faith." He gave a   
dry, sad smile. "I thought it was because... I don't know. There was a   
whole past there, between me and Faith. In my head, you know?"  
  
"Yes," Buffy whispered. "I know."  
  
"Willow's alive there. At first it was just a game I would play. Even when   
my parents put me in here, I knew it wasn't true. But then... It started   
filling up. Did you know that Angel got out of Hell, and he was with you for   
a whole year? And then he moved to LA to save people, to help them, because   
he couldn't be near you. Cordelia was in LA too. Oz and Willow were in love   
at first, which I wasn't too happy about, but I was happy for her. You had a   
hard time at college, at first. You even fought with Spike in the sunlight   
once," he explained softly. He smiled. "And you won. But then things got   
better."  
  
"Things got better for everyone. I kind of left Giles alone, because he had   
been sending me letters and photos, so I couldn't mess with his life."   
Xander paused. "And then, around the time you graduated, I stopped reading   
the letters. But I didn't stop pretending. It got bigger and bigger, and   
more real. Willow and I had a romance. We got married. We moved here   
together. I worked on my art, she worked on her magic and her computers, and   
things were great. We had children. You all stopped contacting us, and   
though we missed you, we didn't think much of it. You were busy fighting   
evil in the way you always had."  
  
His shoulders sagged. "A whole life. A life with Willow, a life that   
started in my mind when... that night. A game I played. And then it wasn't   
a game at all. It was real. I would kiss our kids goodnight. Kiss Willow   
goodnight. Make love to her. Touch her hair when she was sleeping." He   
shrugged. "She was gone a lot. But that was only because she was busy. And   
it all just kept building."   
  
He sat down in a chair, dazed. "They only give me charcoal here. And   
sometimes soft pencils. Like I'm going to kill myself. Why would I have   
done that? I had a good life, with a wife and children I loved. They humor   
me, sometimes drug me for reasons I couldn't tell you."  
  
"Then, why...?" Buffy started to ask.  
  
"Because at first, no one humored me. Or I wouldn't let them. I was   
stubborn, even though I knew it was a lie," he said calmly. "I insisted that   
it was real. And then they stopped trying. And I did too."  
  
Buffy walked over to him hesitantly. She rested a hand on his shoulder;   
comforting him when it looked like he most needed it. His eyes were empty   
and dull when he looked up at her, but he smiled and leaned his head back,   
resting his cheek against her hand.   
  
Buffy squeezed his shoulder.  
  
"I'd like to be alone now," Xander whispered at length.  
  
Buffy nodded. She leaned down and kissed the top of his head. "Know that we   
love you, okay?"  
  
His face was distant, but he answered, softly saying, "I do."  
* * * * * *  
  
Buffy called the next morning, dismayed to find out that he wasn't accepting   
calls. "Why?"  
  
"He simply requested it. We're under orders to keep him sedate," was the   
crisp reply.  
  
"But, it's an institution, not a hospital or a jail!" she protested.  
  
"*He* requested it, Miss."  
  
Buffy's brow furrowed. "Can I come and see him then? At least for a little   
while? I know visiting hours aren't going to be over for a long while. I   
just want to talk to him."  
  
"I'm sorry, but no." The anonymous voice over the phone sounded almost   
regretful. "Mr. Harris was placed in our care, and he has certain rights.   
We can't violate them, though you might think it's for the best."  
  
Buffy shook her head, not understanding. "Well, did he say anything else?"  
  
"May I have your name please?"  
  
"Buffy Summers," she murmured.  
  
"Yes, there is a message, in case you called or came by." There was the   
sound of ruffling papers, and then the man sucked in his breath. "I'm afraid   
it's not the most promising note."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"He asked you not to call. And said that when he was ready, he would contact   
you," he told her quietly.  
  
Buffy hung up the phone, not knowing what to do.  
  
For a week, she sat in her hotel room, only going out at night. When she   
needed to eat, she ordered in. When she needed to sleep, she made sure that   
the hotel operator would allow any late-night calls to come through.   
  
But no calls came.  
  
So she went home. And she waited there.   
  
A year passed. Then two, then three. And still Xander didn't call.  
  
Buffy tried to forget him after that. She tried to move on in her life with   
her son, tried to forget the heartbreaks of so many years ago, tried to   
forget the forgotten promises of friendship that now plagued her mind. She   
tried to forget.  
  
Though she knew she never would. 


	3. 

"Buffy, Alex is calling for you!" Cordelia shouted from the backyard.  
  
Buffy put down the jump rope and wiped her face and neck with a towel. She   
smiled as she heard her little boy shouting for her. "Coming!" she called.   
"In just a second."  
  
Yanking the scrunchie out of her hair and re-fixing it so that it didn't fly   
about her face wildly, Buffy set down the hallway of her house. She opened   
the back door and stepped out. Alex gave her his smile; his beautiful, open   
smile, and leapt off the swing in mid-flight, his arms outstretched. Buffy   
jumped forward and caught him.  
  
He giggled delightedly. "Hi, Mommy!"  
  
Buffy kissed his nose. "Hey, Sweetie. You know you're not supposed to do   
that until I'm close enough to catch you and make sure you don't get hurt."  
  
"Yeah, I know." His fingers played with her hair. "But you caught me,   
right? I'm not hurt. You always catch me."  
  
She rolled her eyes playfully and carried him back over the the swings,   
sitting on one and placing him in her lap. She began rocking gently.   
Cordelia smiled and sat down in the swing next to her. "Sorry," she   
apologized, not sounding sorry at all. "I tried to tell him you were doing   
your workout."  
  
Buffy laughed. "I'm sure you did."  
  
Her eyes wandered over Cordelia for a moment thoughtfully. Out of all of   
them, Cordelia had changed the most. Maybe it was only because she was the   
only one who had been given a chance to change, but she did nonetheless.   
Being married three times in two and a half years might have had something to   
do with it, but now Cordelia finally looked content.  
  
She had moved back to Sunnydale a year ago, into a house down the street from   
Buffy's. While Buffy spent her time teaching self-defense classes and taking   
care of Alex, Cordelia worked at her small but successful design company,   
baby-sitting Buffy's son whenever she could. Though it had been a long time   
since they'd seen each other, they were both at peace now-- as much as they   
could be-- and had developed a close bond since Cordelia had moved back.   
  
"I had a dream last night," Cordelia said softly.  
  
Buffy looked at her intently and then nodded, lifting Alex off of her lap and   
setting him on the ground. She leaned down and kissed his sweet-smelling   
hair. "Go play in your room for a while, okay Xandman? And you can have a   
fruit-roll up for snack."  
  
He smiled broadly at her once again and darted off, then disappeared inside.  
  
Buffy watched him go, turning to Cordelia only when he was gone.   
  
"What was it about?" she pressed gently.  
  
Cordelia's smile was bittersweet. "It was about Xander. I thought I had   
kicked those dreams since I divorced Jeff, but I guess they decided to make a   
comeback. Not unlike Cher." She exhaled heavily, looking out over the large   
flower garden that rested near the gate. "It was a dream about what you told   
me he said, all those years ago. Willow and he were kissing, and it broke my   
heart. And then suddenly I was in LA, working with Angel. All of these...   
feelings..."  
  
"For Angel?" Buffy interrupted, surprised.  
  
Cordelia threw her a dry grin. "For Xander. For the time... that didn't   
exist, the time he made up. All of these feelings came to me." Her brow   
furrowed. "Do you ever think that maybe there are alternate realities?   
Where things happen differently than they've happened here?"  
  
Buffy bit her lip, thinking. "Well, it *is* Sunnydale. I guess anything is   
possible. But wouldn't it be likely we would have run into one of them by   
now? We've been doing this for fifteen years-- Or at least I have. But   
you've been a big part of it too. Were the dreams really that vivid?"  
  
Cordelia looked at her hands sadly. "No. Just glimpses, based on what you   
told me he said. But it made me wish..."  
  
Buffy touched her arm, and Cordelia looked up to see her smile. "Well, then   
we can ask Giles what he thinks it means. It's also possible that you just   
still miss him, even more than you admit that you do." She took Cordelia's   
hand; their hands dangled, clutching each other. "I miss him a lot."  
  
"Yeah."   
  
Buffy blinked back her tears and began swinging her legs. "Come on." She   
grinned. "Alex isn't the only one who can jump in mid-flight."  
  
"No, you're the one who taught him that," Cordelia complained jokingly, her   
light mood restored as they got higher. "Not me. I jump, I break my neck."  
  
"I'll catch you," Buffy assured her. She tilted her head. "Well, I would   
have if you hadn't finished my Pepsi last night. That was very rude of you,   
you know."  
  
"Who are you calling rude, Slayer?" Cordelia laughed.  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Just the Ice Princess of Sunnydale."  
  
"Hey," Cordelia snapped. Buffy looked at her in surprise until Cordelia's   
expression turned into one of mirth. "That's Ice *Queen.*"  
  
They laughed together, and for a moment it was relaxed and free and   
comfortable between them as they swung higher into the air, the breeze   
licking at their faces.   
  
Alex threw the door open energetically. "Mommy!" he yelled. "Grandpa Giles   
is on the phone!!!"  
  
Buffy slowed, trying to reprimand him with her eyes. It was hard, because he   
kept smiling. Finally she returned the smile, but told him quietly. "You   
know I can hear you just fine from up here. No yelling unless it's an   
emergency."  
  
"Or unless you're at a hockey game," Cordelia added quickly, her eyes   
following Buffy as she flew off her swing and did a small flip, landing   
gracefully on her feet. Cordelia shook her head in disgust, dragging her   
bare feet in the grass to slow down as Buffy smirked at her.  
  
"I'll be back in a sec," Buffy told her, still grinning. "Mind watching him?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
Buffy nodded and went inside, walking to the nearest phone, which was in the   
kitchen. " 'Low?"  
  
Giles smiled warmly, and she could hear it in his voice. "Hello, Buffy."  
  
"What's going on?" she asked, sinking into a chair. "Did something come up?   
Are you changing the training session?"  
  
"Oh, ah..." He paused. "Yes and no. Something came up, but I'd much rather   
discuss it with you in person. And no, the training session is still on. It   
will have to be postponed, though."  
  
"By how long?" She idly picked up an apple and twisted its stem.  
  
"A few hours, at the very least," he answered.  
  
"Ah, Giles," she teased. "Still bruised from yesterdays session?"  
  
He chuckled. "Quite. But that's not what this is about. Oh, and do you   
happen to know where Cordelia is? I couldn't reach her at home or at her   
office."  
  
Buffy sat up straight. "You need both of us there? Is something wrong?   
...New end of the world thingie, or is something wrong with you?"  
  
"Neither. Really, it's no cause for alarm. I'd just wish to speak to you.   
Is she over there?" he asked, successfully dodging the question.  
  
"Yeah. She took off early to help me watch Alex while I trained," Buffy   
explained.  
  
"All right, then." He hesitated. "I'll see you in... thirty minutes?"  
  
"Sure," Buffy murmured. The stem of the apple broke off and her fingers   
played with it. "S'okay if I bring Alex?"  
  
"Perfectly fine," he assured her. "It's been too long since I've seen him."  
  
"Three days," Buffy grinned.  
  
Giles laughed. "Well, when you're as old as I am, in the line of work I'm   
in, three days seems to mean a lot more than it would under normal   
circumstances."  
  
Buffy laughed too, and hung up the phone quickly. She walked outside and   
looked at Cordelia seriously. Alex stuck his thumb in his mouth, recognizing   
the worry on her face. "Mommy?" he whispered.  
  
"I'm okay Honey," she said, trying to smile for his sake. "Go put on your   
shoes. We're going over to Grandpa's house for a little while."  
  
Alex nodded and left Cordelia and Buffy alone. Cordelia hopped neatly off   
her swing, walking over to Buffy. She folded her arms across her chest,   
concerned. "What's happening?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "It's Giles. He wanted us to come over there. He needs to   
'talk' to us. Something's wrong."  
* * * * * *  
  
Buffy didn't bother knocking. Later, she wished she would have, because when   
she walked in, she got the biggest surprise of her life.  
  
Xander walking out of the kitchen, deep in conversation with Giles.  
  
Her mouth dropped open.  
  
Cordelia bustled in after her, carrying Alex. She, too, stopped short when   
she saw her old flame standing in front of them.  
  
Alex took his thumb out of his mouth. "Who's that guy?"  
  
Xander and Giles turned.   
  
Slowly, Buffy regained her presence of mind. "That's... An old, old friend   
of Mommy's," she said to Alex. "His name is Xander."  
  
"Xander!" Alex said happily. "Mommy and Aunt Cordy talk about you!"  
  
A smile came over his face; soft and tender. "They do?"  
  
"Uh huh," Alex informed him proudly. "They think I'm not list'ning, but I   
am. They miss you lots. Aunt Cordy dreams about you sometimes. So does   
mommy. She cries." He stopped for a minute. " 'Cause my name is the same   
as yours, does that mean you're my daddy?"  
  
Xander's eyes flew up to Buffy and Cordelia, who still stood in the doorway,   
their eyes wide. Buffy finally shook her head. "I don't think you would be   
able to forget if we *had* ever... But we never did," she murmured.  
  
Xander grinned. "Nope. Sorry, kiddo. But I'm sort of... Like an uncle. We   
can be friends if you want."  
  
"Okay," Alex murmured, pleased. He wiggled in Cordelia's arms until she   
noticed him. "Can I get down now?"  
  
"Oh," she said vaguely. "Sure. Sorry, Hon."  
  
She set him on the floor and they watched him run to Giles, who was crouched   
with open arms. Giles lifted him warmly, giving him a hug. "How are you,   
chap?"  
  
Alex laughed. "They're being weird," he said, gesturing to his mom and   
Cordelia, and to Xander.  
  
Giles eyed them for a moment. "Yes, I ah... Suppose they are. Quite...   
weird. What do you say to you and I going into the den and seeing that new   
book I got for you?"  
  
Alex squirmed, excited. "Kay."  
  
With a final glance behind him, Giles walked into the den, holding Alex   
tightly; almost as if to protect the boy from any harm that would come from   
this impromptu meeting.  
  
Xander cleared his throat. He nodded to the living room, and when the girls   
didn't reply, he walked in there and sat down. They followed him in a daze,   
sitting next to each other on the couch, across from him. He offered them   
some of the tea sitting in a teapot on the coffee table, and in unison they   
shook their heads.  
  
Pouring himself some, he remarked dryly, "I see you're a little surprised to   
see me here."  
  
"See you here?" Buffy commented with an edge in her voice. "See you   
anywhere, ever again is more like it."  
  
Cordelia laid a hand on her arm and Buffy exhaled deeply, releasing some of   
her tension. Cordelia's eyes were large and misty as she looked at Xander.  
  
He was handsome. More handsome than she'd ever seen him be. She swallowed.  
  
He cleared his throat again, awkwardly. "I would have called. But I didn't   
want to... Surprise you at home. I figured that this way, if Giles called   
you, you would at least be expecting something bad to happen. I hoped that   
what you imagined wasn't better than seeing me. Because if it was, you must   
be more shocked than I'd anticipated."  
  
"We thought..." Cordelia murmured, falling silent.  
  
"End of the world," Buffy supplied. "Either that or that Giles was dying.   
You know him."  
  
"What are you *doing* here?" Cordelia asked softly.  
  
"I'm moving here," Xander told her, not beating around the bush. "I've been   
painting. I'm opening a small gallery. I figured that since your mom closed   
hers last year, this town is in the mood for some culture. And I gots loads   
of it."  
  
Buffy smiled, drinking him in with her eyes. "How did you know that she   
retired last year?"  
  
"I've been... out for a year. I've been trying to find a way to get in   
contact with you two," he clarified. "But the timing was never really right.   
I'm sorry."  
  
"So you've been stalking us?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Only you two," Xander smiled. "Giles I contacted a couple of months ago.   
Please don't get upset with him; I asked him to not tell you until I was   
ready. He agreed, knowing that I had thought it out. I've had time to do   
that sort of thing, you know."  
  
Cordelia licked her lips. "How did you... How did you get out?"  
  
Xander took a long drink of tea from his cup, his eyes meeting hers over the   
rim. She blushed prettily and looked away. "After Buffy came to see me, I   
sort of got myself together. I'd been living in a game. I played it too   
long. A single day after Willow died was too long. And it finally became   
too hard to play. Buffy convinced me of that."  
  
"So that day... All of those days that I was still there, and I called...?"   
Buffy looked at him uncomprehendingly.  
  
"I had snapped out of it," he admitted lightly. "I just didn't want to talk   
to anyone. I'm sorry, Buffy, I know it was harsh of you. I needed to really   
deal with Willow's loss-- Something that I hadn't done. And then there were   
the doctors." He rolled his eyes. "It took me two years to make them believe   
that I was fine. Of course, I suppose they had good reason, me living in a   
fantasy and all. A lot of talking. A *lot* of talking."  
  
"But you're fine now?" Cordelia asked.  
  
"I'm fine now," he said agreeably. "I'd be more fine if you two would stop   
looking at me that way, though."  
  
Buffy stood, her eyes weighing his sincerity. "I'm not about to let you   
break my heart again, Xander," she murmured tiredly. "I'm sorry if that   
sounds harsh, but all of those years without you took a toll on all of us.   
And you were one of my best friends. When you got put in that place, and   
refused to see reality for what it was, no matter how hard it was to accept,   
it hurt us. Me."  
  
His eyes were sad. "I know," he said quietly, looking into his cup. "All I   
can say is that I'm sorry."  
  
"And you never kissed Willow. You never married her. You never lived the   
life you made up in your mind," she said softly, avoiding his eyes.  
  
He paled, but then stood and walked over to her. Lifting her chin with his   
hand, he forced her to look at him, and he smiled. "I never did any of the   
things I imagined I had. A long time was wasted because of it. And,   
Buffy... I only knew you for two years before... what happened happened, but   
I still think of you. I still think of the friendship we had. I miss it.   
It wasn't long, but it held a lot, you know?"  
  
"I know," she whispered brokenly, slipping her arms around his waist. "Thank   
you, Xander."  
  
He hugged her back, smoothing her hair with a comforting hand. "Thank *you*,   
Buffy."  
  
Cordelia stood and flipped her hair back. "Well, I don't know what brought   
the two of you together, but don't think I'm going to forgive you that fast,"   
she said haughtily, piercing him with her eyes.  
  
Xander pulled back from Buffy and looked at her with a grin. "She didn't   
change at all?" he asked quietly.  
  
"She did," Buffy informed him. "But she likes to pretend she has the same   
tough veneer sometimes."  
  
Xander nodded, looking up at Cordelia. "You want in on this, Queen C.?" he   
asked with a smile, nodding down at the hug he and Buffy were sharing.  
  
A smile crept over her face. "Desperately," she agreed with a laugh.  
  
Xander grinned and held his arms open to fit her in. She hugged Buffy and   
him, inhaling the smell of Xander that she hadn't been able to smell in so   
long, and kissing his mouth lightly. The girls rested their heads against   
his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat, and Xander held them   
close, enjoying the feel of his best friends in the real world.  
  
"Thank you, Xander," Cordelia echoed.  
  
His eyes opened in disbelief. "What do you have to thank me for?" he asked   
incredulously. "All I did was cause you bad things."  
  
"For a while," she conceded. "Longer than a while. But now you're back.   
Thank you for that."  
  
He kissed the top of her head, her soft hair brushing his cheek.  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
The End 


End file.
